This has been the fastest year of my life — I can’t believe how much has happened in 12 months, how much I’ve grown, how much (and how little) I’ve changed at the same time. It feels so good to feel like my complete self again, and to feel alive again after a few really rough years.
2025 was a year where I readjusted, reintegrated myself into the world again (post-Covid), stopped living under a rock, accepted my current position in life, rediscovered myself and re-developed a new identity.
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| Self-portrait, November 2025, ProCreate for iPad Pro.
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| Acrylic painting from a Sip & Paint Class at the Purple Easel. December 2025. |
In 2022, after the unexpected and sudden death of my husband and best friend of 14 years, I was super confused, lost and constantly wondering “Well now what?” All while feeling dead and completely broken inside. All the plans, dreams, and goals I envisioned for our future were suddenly gone, and who I was/am came into question big time. Part of it was because we had accomplished a lot of our really big shared goals (even though they didn’t match the romanticized version I imagined) and suddenly I didn’t have any plans in sight for a future. The thought of imagining “the future” was completely overwhelming and it paralyzed me. It would send me into panic attacks and fill me with severe anxiety.
A New Identity and Dealing with Imposter Syndrome
The secondary loss and existentialism that creeped into my grief journey was “Who am I now?” After being someone’s girlfriend/wife for 14 years, and Mr. Gold’s cat mom for 11 of those years, I suddenly found myself as “Tommy’s widow” and I was no longer Gold’s cat mom either because he was gone too. I also felt like a huge imposter again. I no longer identified as a graphic designer (who I was for 10+ years) once I changed careers into something a little different. I didn’t want to go back to being a graphic designer either, since that passion and part of my life was over, and that was ok with me.
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My rookie photographer skills. July 2025 at my cousin’s wedding.
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| The Sony camera that belonged to Tommy. I’m learning how to use it since DSLR photography has always been on my life-long learning bucket list. |
I no longer identified myself as an artist either because I hadn’t made art in a really long time, so it felt weird calling myself an “artist.” People from my past life I knew or met before covid, would ask me what new art I was working on, and it felt awkward and uncomfortable saying “Nothing really… I’m taking a break while I readjust to my new life/job/house…” In the years after Tommy passed, and once I changed careers, I questioned my identity constantly and thought about it so much.
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iPhone photography. September 2025.
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Some photo projects I worked on this summer during a lumen prints photography workshop.
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| Scanned version of a lumen photograph with string threading. July 2025. |
It’s taken a few years to remember what I was interested in and what I loved doing in the past, but what really pushed me to put myself out there and take charge of my life again was the fact that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, and tired of feeling beat up by life. I was tired of thinking of myself as “a poor helpless widow.” I was tired of feeling like I had no control over my life. The truth is we really can’t control everything that happens in life so we have to be adaptable and change our expectations. That’s when I started to change my perspective on things, and started to enjoy the randomness, unexpected and spontaneous moments that can happen.
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| San Diego, CA. November 2025. |
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San Pedro Harbor, CA. October 2025
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In list format, here are some of the things I did in 2025:
- Remembered how to have fun and laugh by myself; Took lots of solo adventures and genuinely enjoyed my own company — attended history lectures, presentations, a music festival, and visited museums by myself
- Immersed myself in the arts like I intended to when I moved back to Ontario 4 years ago —
- Surrounded myself with more artists, creative, and talented people
- Started making art more often — attended more workshops, made art for myself, and picked up old unfinished paintings
- Practiced my video editing and photo skills; I’ve always enjoyed taking daily snapshots on my phone or with point & shoot cameras, but this year I started using DSLR cameras
- Grew my arts, prints & DIY music merch collection; bought from local artists, bands, small businesses, and vendors
- Worked so many amazing events — Ontario Art Book Fair, Ontario Open art exhibit and reception, Day of Dead Exhibit/reception, Arts Festival, art walks, and many more receptions
- Saw so many awesome exhibits — in Ontario and at local museums like the Chaffey Community Museum of Art, and the 60 Miles East: Riverside’s Underground Punk Rock, Hardcore & Ska Scene exhibit at the Riverside Art Museum (on view through April 2026)
- Saw my close friends and hung out with them more than 1-2x a year! Who knew life would get so busy in your 30s and that you’d have to make plans to hang out so many months in advance
- Reconnected with or hung out with old friends, and ran into people from my past (people I knew like 5-20 yrs ago!)
- Attended close family’s big life events and milestones — weddings, baby showers, graduation and birthday parties, etc.
- Met new people, made new friends, and hung out with people more often. Met lots of fun and interesting people at events, shows, concerts, etc.
- Took more fun day trips, enjoyed holidays, and vacations with the family — BBQs, parties, trips to theme parks, the beach, museums, local attractions, etc.
- Started going to shows (concerts) and seeing live music regularly again — I used to do this when I was younger (with family/friends) but now I do this by myself because life is too short to wait around for others to join me; it’s still really fun and exciting
- Learned to trust people again and see the world as a better place. After 4-5 really difficult, painful years and previously working with so many arrogant, selfish individuals, I can see the good in others again. It constantly surprises me how nice and kind people can be.
- Helped my neighbors in time of need — bought them food, water, toiletries and gave them other things when they needed them; shared info on local resources like food pantries, housing assistance, etc.
- Signed up to be a stem cell donor and donated blood — When Tommy was hospitalized in 2021, he needed and received a blood transfusion; I remember what it felt like to see him get a fighting chance at life and the hope it gave us as a family, even if it was only for a few extra days/weeks
- Started taking regular long walks again — I used to love doing this when I was younger, it helps me decompress, lets my mind wander, improves my overall mood, helps with insomnia, and is meditative; I also enjoying seeing the beautiful skies, nature, plants and animals
- Took off my wedding rings and officially retired them — Tommy was a huge part of my life and will always be, but it doesn’t mean I need to wear my wedding bands forever
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| Sea World trip in November 2025 |
Overall, life feels pretty good again and l'm looking forwards to LOTS of things next year!
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